Friday, October 03, 2008

United States of India

There is too much "economy" talk in the air...of american economy fall, recession, inflation, pink slips etc., etc. Also about China and India emerging as major economic powers in the future and what not. So my compass of imagination was pointing towards Indian economical growth and here is the outsome of such ponders and reveries:

  • Some of the cities will be renamed for the ease of document migration: New Delhi will become Washington D.C., Bangalore will by called NYC, Mumbai becomes Los Angeles, Calcutta will be New Jersey and Chennai will be Miami.
  • Rashtrapathi bhavan will be painted white and rechristened White House, Mayo hall in Bangalore will be World Trade Center (becomes very vulnerable to Al Quieda attacks), Bollywood will be the future Hollywood, Appu Ghar becomes Disney Land, Marina beach will be hottest tourist destination...on par with that the beaches of Miami, Planet Godrej will be Sears Towers counterpart and Golden Gate bridge compares itself with Howra bridge.
  • Oberois, Tajs, Connaughts and Ashoks will be correspondigly called Hiltons, Hyatts, Intercontinetals and Westins.
  • Walmarts, Costcos and HEBs would start envying Food Worlds, Subhikshas and Apna Bazaars in their size and consumption. People would take snaps with Subhiksha in background and upload in their facebook with interesting captions, "That's me in front of Subhiksha!!!"
  • Saravana bhavan joints will be the coolest hangout joints, thambi at the counter no more asks "inga sappiduriya, illa parcel pannattuma", with style and attitude he's gonna ask, "To eat here or To Go".
  • McDs, KFCs and Pizzahuts will be despised big time...they'll be choice of either students or poor mortals. "Jeeeez you had lunch at McDs...that's so cheesy na...why don't ya try mouthwatering Paav baaji in ShivSagar, it's such a cool place for hangin out"
  • Idly sambar and masala dosa would obliterate burgers and pizzas from the face of this earth...Happy meal would then give you choice of either - 2 idlis with mildly spiced sambar + 1 vada + 1 cup of horlicks or 1 masala dosa + 1 cup of bournvita; a shakthimaan doll, all nicely packed in paper containing connect the dots game.
  • Brahmin's cafe will have drive in. You'll have press the button and shout your order "2 plate kharabath, by-two coffee" and it's ready in the next window within matter of seconds.
  • The menu in "Nandini" would look like this:


Soft chicken breasts cooked in almond-cashew sauce


Rs. 150


Marinated chicken skewered in tandoor


Rs. 200


Cottage Cheese spiced up with onions and chillies


Rs. 120

  • The choice will not be based on the price but on calories in the above menu, "Gosh! Paneer Chilli is nearly half as fat as Butter Chicken Masala...good for my waistline".
  • Cafe Coffee Days, SLVs and Kalmane coffees would give Starsucks a run for would be served in steel cups in cool ambience. Again orkut photos will be captioned "My fav drink at my fav coffee house...Filter kapi in SLV, Malleshwaram!!!".
  • Palika bazaar, Gaffar market, Chandni Chowk would be hippest shopping malls...Erika would tell her boyfriend, "Honey...I gotta check out this Gaffar market during this India trip...I heard it's so much nicer than Grapevine mall here and guess what! You don't have to wait for can bargain there!".
  • Fair and Lovely, Fair and Handsome, Vicco Turmeric, Ayur would seemlessly replace L'Oreal, Estée Lauder and the likes. But the advertisements need to be changed though, I'm sure ladies wouldn't be too glad to use products endorsed by Shah Rukh Khan or Amitabh Bachchan.
  • CBS, NBS, Fox will be a passé, they wouldn't compete with our beloved Doordarshan.
  • Cricket will be the coolest game around...Rajasthan Royals will be the most preferred team. People would flaunt their undies bearing RR logo.
  • It would be a matter of pride to drive those Karizmas and Pulsars, Harleys and Gold Wings will be a thing of poor americans.
  • People would glue themselves to couches to watch Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi and Kahaani Ghar Ghar Ki. Guessing what would happen in next episode would be the most interesting - lunch time chinwag, dinner time discussion, everybody talking about Tulsi's fight with her mother-in-law. The Young and the Restless, The Bold and Beautiful are for jobless housewives...KSBKBT and KGGK are the in-thing on idiot boxes.
  • Manmohan Singh will be a dumb, yet powerful prime-minister, trying to get all the countries sign Nucelar deals and terrorize Afghanistan and Iraq for their oil wealth.
  • People all over world will be in long queues day-in day-out for getting their dream visa stamped on their passports. Many will be rejected outright.
  • Currency conversation sounds like, "Freakkkkk!!! 50$ used to fetch us 1Rupee, now it's 54$ against a Rupee...Goddamn! american economy is a bigtime downturn".
  • Indians would suffer from dust allergy and asthama attacks if they ever travel to america...due to it's pollution levels and unclean water.
  • americans will be referred to as Whiteskinners or Niggers depending on the colour...but the word "Brownskinner" would be abolished forever.
  • India has to then worry illegal immigrants from China, Pakistan who would almost lose their lives trying to enter India crossing Himalayas.
  • US of I will be everybody's dream land.
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