I usually don't believe in any astrology or clairvoyance, but yeah this one's the most realistic traits I've ever come across:
AQUARIUS (20 Jan - 18 Feb) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
PISCES (19 Feb - 20 Mar) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.
ARIES (21 Mar - 19 Apr) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. Your confrontational behaviorisms make you a grade A prick.
TAURUS (20 Apr - 20 May) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
GEMINI (21 May - 20 June) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. Most people like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. In other words, you are a cheap bastard. You hate tipping waitresses, giving to charities, and won't even drop a few coins in the offering plate. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER (21 Jun - 22 Jul) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off; that's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients and everybody in prison is a Cancer.
LEO (23 Jul - 22 Aug) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves and enjoy masturbating more than sex.
VIRGO (23 Aug - 22 Sep) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while having sex. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA (23 Sep - 22 Oct) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are good prostitutes. All Libras will die from a venereal disease.
SCORPIO (23 Oct - 21 Nov) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will always achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS (22 Nov - 21 Dec) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dopers. You are a worthless piece of shit. People laugh at you a great deal.
CAPRICORN (22 Dec - 19 Jan) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything; you are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long, as they take root and become trees.